Two Sheila's walk into a building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
I wonder if you have read any of these??!!
Q: What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male?
A: The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.
Q: Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation?
A: Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!
Q: What did the Australian do after raking the leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree
Q: How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a Sheila’s job.
Q: Why do kangaroos hate
rainy days?
A: Because their children play inside.
Q: What is the difference
between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
A: One less drunk at the funeral
Shane decides to go back
home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight. The operator asks him, 'How many people are
flying with you?'
Shane replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your plane.'
Single v Engaged v Married
Three sheilas were having a girl's night out and talked about their blokes.
The single sheila said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my bloke's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that he rooted me on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged sheila giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my bloke got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stilettos. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married sheila put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.
I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but bugger me, pass the parcel was quick!!!
A preggo sheila went into labour, things were not going smoothly and she was in a lot of pain.
She shouted: "Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her bloke and yelled "You did this to me, you bastard!"
To which he replied, "Yeah well, I wanted to stick it up your ass, but you said,'no way that'll be too painful.'"
An Aussie bloke is walking along Bondi beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful sheilas. He roots them all and then begins to explore the house. He opens a door and finds a room filled with $100 bills.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a branch and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods and it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other blonde genie, 'Hey, I can understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but wanting to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'
Bruce and Sheila had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their mates, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, Bruce decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
Bruce sat quietly for a moment, had another sip of his beer, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
Morning after the Bucks night.
Bruce woke up with a killer hangover after attending his best mate's bucks night. He didn't even remember how he got home. He looked at the clock and it was 11.30.
What day is it? Thursday.. His missus must have gone to work.
As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night..
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his missus.
'I'll ring your boss and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's cricket on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Sheila. x '
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating.
Bruce, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.
Well, you came home after 3 A.M., pissed as a parrot and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '
Confused, Bruce asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'
His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone you slapper..., I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $250
Hot Breakfast$3.50
Two Aspirins 20 cents
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
Bruce got a job with the local newspaper and had to write the advice column, this was his first week;
Dear Bruce,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.
He was in the bedroom, dressed in my lingerie with our neighbour Robbo making mad passionate love to him.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and they decided to have a beer together and things got a little out of hand.
When I asked him why he had my lingerie on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Susie Fox
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber
I hope this helps.
Bruce
